Thursday, September 23, 2010

Do You Love Your Mistress?

I often hear from wives who ask me how husbands really feel about their mistresses. I often hear things like: "It's bad enough that he cheated on me and had a physical relationship with someone else. But, the emotional cheating is the hardest to take. Because I don't think I could bear it if he was in love with her."

Or, "my husband claims that he loves his mistress. I don't think this is even possible. They haven't known each other for very long and she's not the type of woman he would even typically find attractive. What in the world has gotten into him? He's usually a smart man, but he's acting so stupid."

As I'm sure you already suspect, a husband's feelings about a mistress can be a facade. There are many reasons why he may think that he's in love with her. I'll go over some of these reasons in the following article. And I'll tell you why I typically don't buy most of them.

Often, The Husband Wants To Love His Mistress So That His Actions Are Justified: Let's face it. Cheating on your spouse is not the behavior that many people are most proud of. It's deceptive. It's immature. And, it indicates that you'd rather go behind someone's back to solve a problem rather than handling it like an adult. So, often husbands will try to convince themselves that the action they took was based on strong, undeniable, and irresistible feelings that come along once in a lifetime.

So a husband will often say to himself "I didn't plan to cheat. But she's my soul mate. How am I supposed to turn my back on that?" Because he is looking for a way to justify his actions, he'll often magnify how he feels about her. Imagine cheating on your spouse just because you think you might "like" someone. This doesn't make as much sense, right? So he has to exaggerate his feelings both to himself, the mistress, and to you until his actions begin to feel justified or appear to make some sense.

A Man May Think He Loves His Mistress, But What He Really Loves Is The Way That She Makes Him Feel About Himself: A husband may look you right in the eye and tell you that the mistress "understands." "gets," or "appreciates" him in a way that you don't. Of course he would like to believe this. Because often, she's telling him that he's wonderful, exciting, and does no wrong. Who wouldn't respond to that?

She doesn't see the man who trims his nose hairs in the sink or who leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor. It's easy for her to be "into" him because she's not seeing the real him. In time, this changes. But in the beginning, her attention and feedback likely makes him feel valued, exciting and unique. It's not her that he loves. What he loves is how confident and alive being with her makes him feel.

The problem is that none of this is based on any form of reality. Eventually, she too will see his flaws and eventually she too will turn her attention back to real life. But in the meantime, he may tell you that he's "in love" with her, but know that what he truly adores is how she makes him feel.

So where does that leave you? Well, knowledge can be power. Eventually, she'll have to pick up those dirty socks or deal with his other issues and all that excitement and energy is going to start to fade. And when it does, the feelings are going to follow right along. And suddenly, along with his disappointment, you'll also see those loving feelings begin to reveal themselves as what they really are. An affair usually comes out of some personal crisis or self esteem issue. He usually does nothing (other than have an affair) to address this. These issues are going to eventually affect the affair in the same way they affected the marriage.

It's Highly Unlikely To Find A Soul mate Within A Sea Of Deception: When men claim that the mistress is their "soul mate," you have to ask yourself about their logic. A relationship based on lies, deception, and imagination is usually destined to fail. How are they ever going to have a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and admiration when you consider how their relationship began?

A loving and healthy relationship is based on history, honesty, transparency, and hanging in there for a long haul. The mistress doesn't have any of these things on her side. Sure, in the beginning, everything may seem shiny and exciting but it can not and typically does not last. As these two return to reality, what's real about that relationship will usually reveal itself. And when it does, so too do the feelings behind it.

It's often only then that a man will see that he doesn't love the mistress at all. Perhaps he thought he did. Perhaps he loved how the relationship made him feel. Perhaps the feelings were heightened due to the risk and sense of urgency. But it's usually all a facade in the end. I'm not saying that the husband and the mistress never make it in a long term relationship. This does occasionally happen. But I find that it's the exception rather than the rule.

In the end, they usually have too many factors stacked against them. And once they return back to real life, this will typically become pretty apparent.

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