Long-Term Relationships with Sex

Sex and intimacy are vital parts of any intimate relationship, so if you are living in a sexless union it can be frustrating and depressing.

A sexless relationship can take place in a marriage or de facto union or even in a long-term relationship between a couple.

Whatever the case might be, a sexless relationship is difficult to cope with and sometimes difficult to pin down exactly, says Asiphe Ndlela, a clinical psychologist in Illovo, Johannesburg.

It is estimated that more than 15 percent of couples living together in South Africa are in sexless relationships.

About 40 percent of all sexless relationships are due to the man's lack of intimacy.

Defined as having sex less than 10 times a year, Ndlela says a lack of sex might account for the rising divorce statistics in the country.

Ndlela says the negative effects of being in a sexless relationship are far-reaching and can be quite dire for the relationship and for a couple's mental and physical health.

"The sexual connection between you and your partner is one that sets your relationship apart from everyone else and allows you to communicate things to each other at the deepest level," Ndlela says.

"Couples who had great sex to start with, find it shocking that things can unexpectedly go off track once domesticity sets in.

"The bottom line is that a sexless marriage might be a symptom of many things.

"The longer the relationship the more of an effort a couple has to make to ensure that they staying sexually alive," Ndlela says.

What causes a sex drought in a relationship?

A sexless relationship isn't a problem in itself, Ndlela says. She says it is a symptom of something much deeper.

"Trying to solve the symptom instead of the problem can actually make things worse between you. If you really want to get sex back into your relationship you must look deeper to find the real cause," she says.

Ndlela says usually the initial attraction between a couple is sexual.

"Withholding sex, consciously or unconsciously, is often a sign of a power imbalance in the relationship," she explains. "The partner with less money or less control in whatever form, who feels that his-her value is tied to sexual output, will use sex to assert themselves. It might be the only way that can say no or get attention.

"If it is unconscious they might simply lose their desire for sex or even get sick.

"Men might not be able to get or sustain an erection."

Sex killers

"Babies are the biggest sex killers in a relationship because they need an incredible amount of attention and will insist on it all the time," she says.

So you have to t make the effort to create time for just the two of you, even if it is just means holding each other or exchange massages.

"Staying connected through touch and always remembering that you are a couple and that you need sex, each other and also to demonstrate your love is important," Ndlela says.

Anger

"If the hurt and misunderstanding in a relationship are not dealt with, they will show up in your sex life. Sex, at its most basic, is a form of communication.

But it can not be the only one or the relationship and your sex life will not work and neither partner will be satisfied," Ndlela says.

Sexual abuse

"If a partner has been sexually abused this can create major problems in the relationship. After the initial rush of the relationship, things might suddenly become too hot and this might spell danger. Sex might cause anxiety, terror, depression or dissociation. If your partner has mentioned sex abuse and you notice problems around sex, support them to see a therapist," she says.

Fear of rejection

Ndlala says the longer you are with someone and the more you depend on them, the greater the ability to hurt and to be hurt.

"For most people opening up in a very intimate way, while being exciting, can also bring along anxiety, fear and difficulty to deal with the vulnerability that emerges," she says.

"It is common to want your partner to know what you need when you need it without your having to say what it is," Ndlela says. " But it is not the way things work.

"So expressing our sexual interest opens us to possible rejection of the most subtle and unconscious kind. Two people, both fearful of rejection, might never get to sex because the possible rejection is too painful to risk."

In addition to these, she says, a partner might be suffering from depression or experiencing the side-effects of medication.

Their body image might be suffering after weight gain or as a result of the normal aging process.

They might even simply be overwhelmed and exhausted and feel that they have nothing to give when it comes to being sexual.

Perhaps there has been an extramarital affair or one partner is growing distant. In other words, the reasons can be physical (as in illness or disease), mental, emotional, or a combination of these.