Life After Sexual Abuse

There is no doubt that sexual abuse is a terrible thing to go through, at any age, any gender, by any person. It is a destructive force that will come in and wreak havoc on the very soul of the victim. The experience produces a lack of trust, self-esteem issues, identity questions, and a long road to recovery. You can move on from the abuse and being a victim at the hands of your abuser to being a survivor. Even more than that, an overcomer. Or, you can allow it to destroy you and put an end to your hopes and dreams.

My own abuse started at the tender and innocent age of four. I hadn't even been old enough to attend school yet, barely out of diapers, when a man began the fondling and inappropriate touching. That was, of course, before children taught early about good and bad touching, and definitely before they knew how to get help. I did try to tell, but how can you put into words at four years old what has happened. I didn't even understand exactly what it was. The fact that my abuser was no stranger, which is not uncommon, and that it was a person I and my family trusted, only made it worse.

From that time, I was damaged. Unable to disclose because of fears and the fact that I had already tried and failed, I allowed this monster to control me and wreck every plan I made for years. I ended up, as many do, becoming another statistic. My first pregnancy came at sixteen, with two more following before I was twenty. I was married to the father of all three, but the marriage was a farce.

I had no ability to understand how relationships were supposed to work and when things got tough and my "perfect marriage" wasn't quite as perfect as I thought it would be, my self-esteem took another hit. My husband was busy trying to support a family of five and I wasn't getting much of his time or attention. Feeling that this was a statement against me personally, I turned to the one thing I knew my value lay in, my sexuality. I had multiple affairs, looking for assurance that I was still the woman that all men craved and enjoyed. This was the lesson I had been taught by my abuser and I had learned it well.

The divorce was inevitable, although amazingly, my husband continued to forgive me, knowing full well what was going on. I left him and what a poor decision that was. I remarried a man who I loved dearly, only to find out years later, that he was making sure this cycle of abuse in my family would carry on to yet another generation. When I found out that my precious daughter was being victimized, I was devastated. Not only had I failed to protect her, but I knew that my husband would have to go. I was terrified of losing him, but that would prove to all be a part of the healing process for my family. We would gather our own strength and make it. My daughter knew how I loved him, but saw that my love for her was far greater when she never saw him again, other than in the courtroom.

My daughter is the example of moving on that is astonishing and wonderful. The miracle of her life and her strength is really what got me on the path to becoming a survivor, while I watched her become an overcomer. Her story is an inspiration and I believe that one day, it will be used to help others who, like me, didn't know how to heal.